The Happiness Trap: Stop Struggling, Start Living
Last read August 31, 2019
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Highlights
85 highlights.
These statistics give us the answer, loud and clear: happiness is not normal!
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the number one priority of the primitive human mind was to look out for anything that might harm you and avoid it! In essence, the primitive mind was a ‘Don’t get killed’ device, and it proved enormously useful. The better our ancestors became at anticipating and avoiding danger, the longer they lived and the more children they had.
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With each generation the human mind became increasingly skilled at predicting and avoiding danger. And now, after a hundred thousand years of evolution, the modern mind is still constantly on the lookout for trouble. It assesses and judges almost everything we encounter: Is this good or bad? Safe or dangerous? Harmful or helpful?
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As a result we spend a lot of time worrying about things that, more often than not, never happen.
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our modern mind continually looks for more: more money, more status, more love, more job satisfaction, a newer car, a younger-looking body, a younger-looking partner, a bigger house. And if we succeed, if we actually get more money or a newer car or a better job, then we’re satisfied— for a while. But sooner or later (and usually sooner), we end up wanting more.
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Thus, evolution has shaped our minds so that we are almost inevitably destined to suffer psychologically: to compare, evaluate and criticise ourselves; to focus on what we’re lacking; to be dissatisfied with what we have; and to imagine all sorts of frightening scenarios, most of which will never happen. No wonder humans find it hard to be happy!
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To create a life worth living is a major undertaking, so please take the time to appreciate it.
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Myth No.1: Happiness Is The Natural State For All Human Beings
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Myth No.2: If You’re Not Happy, You’re Defective
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western society assumes that mental suffering is abnormal.
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Health professionals
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contribute to this process by readily slapping on labels such as, ‘You’re depressed’, and these labels merely confirm how defective we are.
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ACT proposes that the normal thinking processes of a healthy human mind will naturally lead to psychological suffering. You’re not defective—your mind’s just doing its job; the thing it evolved to do.
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Myth No.3: To Create A Better Life, We Must Get Rid Of Negative Feelings
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the things we generally value most in life bring with them a whole range of feelings, both pleasant and unpleasant.
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Myth No.4: You Should Be Able To Control What You Think And Feel
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The basic theme of all these approaches is this: if you challenge your negative thoughts or images and, instead, repeatedly fill your head with positive thoughts and images, you will find happiness. If only life were that simple!
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These four powerful myths provide the basic blueprint for the happiness trap.
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They set us up for a struggle we can never win: the struggle against our own human nature.
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The Illusion Of Control
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How We Learn About Control
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The implication of all these phrases is that you should be able to turn your feelings on and off at will, like flicking a switch. And why is this myth so compelling? Because the people around us seem, on the surface, to be happy.
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1a.
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2a.
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3a.
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4b.
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5b.
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6a.
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7a.
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8a.
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9b.
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10b.
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11b.
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12a.
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13b.
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14b.
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15a.
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‘The solution is the problem!’
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Flight Strategies Fight Strategies
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Hiding/Escaping
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Suppression
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Distraction
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Arguing
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Zoning Out/Numbing
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Taking Charge
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Self-bullying
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Refusing to go onstage may well reduce your fear temporarily, but it also stops you from doing something you truly value.
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The degree of control we have over our thoughts and feelings depends largely on how intense they are—the less intense the feelings, the more we can control them.
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Experiential avoidance means the tendency to keep trying to avoid, change or get rid of your unwanted thoughts and feelings—even when doing so is harmful, costly, useless or destructive. Experiential avoidance is a major cause of depression, anxiety, drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders and a vast number of other psychological problems. So here is the happiness trap in a nutshell: to find happiness, we try to avoid or get rid of bad feelings—but the harder we try, the more bad feelings we create.
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PRINCIPLE 1: DEFUSION
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PRINCIPLE 2: EXPANSION
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PRINCIPLE 3: CONNECTION
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PRINCIPLE 4: THE OBSERVING SELF
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PRINCIPLE 5: VALUES
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PRINCIPLE 6: COMMITTED ACTION
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In ACT, our main interest in a thought is not
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whether it’s true or false, but whether it’s helpful; that is, does it help us create the life we want?
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All too often we react to our thoughts as if they are the absolute truth, or as if we must give them all our attention. The psychological jargon for this reaction is ‘cognitive fusion’.
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‘I’m having the thought that…’
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‘I’m having the thought that…’ instantly gave you some distance
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from the actual thought itself;
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Cognitive fusion tells us that thoughts are the truth and very important. Cognitive defusion reminds us that thoughts are just words.
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the aim of defusion is not to get rid of a thought, nor to make you like it or want it. The aim is simply to see the thought for what it really is—a string of words—and to let it be there without fighting it.
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The more pragmatic approach is to ask, ‘Is this thought helpful? Does it help me take action to create the life I want?’ If it is helpful, then pay attention. If it’s not, then defuse it.
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(You could also combine this technique with Naming the Story: ‘Ah yes, the “I’m a failure” story. Thanks so much, Mind!’)
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‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.’
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Many of us, when we first encounter defusion, fall into the same trap as John; we start trying to use defusion as a control strategy. Remember: • A control strategy is any attempt to change, avoid or get rid of unwanted thoughts and feelings. • Control strategies are problematic when they are used excessively or in situations where they can’t work, or when using them reduces our quality of life in the long term.
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Defusion is the very opposite of a control strategy; it’s an acceptance strategy.
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Develop the courage to solve those problems that can be solved, the serenity to accept those problems that can’t be solved, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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The thinking self is the part of you that thinks, plans, judges, compares, creates, imagines, visualises, analyses, remembers, day dreams and fantasises.
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The observing self is fundamentally different from the thinking self. The observing self doesn’t think; it is the part of you that is responsible for focus, attention and awareness.
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When practising this technique, notice the distinction between your thinking self and your observing self. (The observing self focuses on the breath, while the thinking self chatters away in the background.)
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If you start defusing thoughts or images with the aim of getting rid of them, then you’re not truly accepting them. Rather, you’re trying to use an acceptance strategy as a control strategy—and ultimately, that will backfire.
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if we consciously bring our awareness to how we are feeling, and consciously observe how we’re behaving, then no matter how intense our emotions are, we can still control our actions.
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The problem is, our society perpetuates the myth that emotions control our behaviour.
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The Three Phases Of Emotion
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PHASE ONE: A SIGNIFICANT EVENT!
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PHASE TWO: GET READY FOR ACTION!
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PHASE THREE: THE MIND GETS INVOLVED
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The Fight-or-Flight Response
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With the struggle switch OFF: • Our emotions are free to move. • We don’t waste time and energy fighting or avoiding them. • We don’t generate all that ‘dirty discomfort’. With the struggle switch ON:
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Our emotions are stuck. • We waste a huge amount of time and energy struggling with them. • We create a lot of painful and unhelpful ‘dirty discomfort’.
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Any defusion strategy can help you deal with unhelpful thoughts about your feelings.
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expansion means making room for our feelings. If we give unpleasant feelings enough space, they no longer stretch us or strain us.
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Of course you will—you’re human. You’ll screw up again and again over the course of your life. But remember: the instant you are aware of what you’re doing, you have a chance to do something more effective.
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